Still Single

Being valentine’s season it seemed like a good time to write about love. I’ve had a rocky affair with love my entire life. At times I’ve broken up with love, screaming at it

Wild Women Don't Get The Blues!

that it was a liar, a betrayer, a fairy tale. At other times I’ve been so infatuated with love that it took over my life.

What I’m coming to believe is that love is another one of those mysteries. Life is a mystery. Consciousness is a mystery. The nature of reality is a mystery. We quantify what we can, measure hormones, quarks, particles, and brain waves, and still we have no idea what the hell is going on.

There have been a few times I’ve what I know is pure love, with the two births of my children always at the top of the list, and with my granddaughter who shared her love with me in dreams before she was born.

Now, in a twisted, surprising turn of events, I’ve felt it again. After a year long battle with my now ex-husband to get him to “give” me a divorce, (Give me? What does that mean?) I learned to truly, deeply forgive. I forgave him, forgave myself, let him go in peace, and let go of what I was fearing. When the fear and anger dropped away, love was revealed. That thing, love, at the core of our attraction, beneath the dysfunction, fear, tons of emotional scarring and baggage, was still there. We found ourselves both changed, broken open, and able to have the heart wrenching discussions we were supposed to be having in our marriage. Who knew.

Now we have separate lives, separate beds, and separate incomes. The divorce was a gift of love. I feel a strength and solidness in myself I’ve never felt, that allows me to love him from a place of freedom instead of need. I don’t need to change him, fix him, or get him to do things I think are important. And to answer the question, yes, I’m still single.

The universe heard me asking over and over, why does getting a divorce mean you have to hate the other person? It’s true, be careful what you ask for. Now I’m getting a chance to live the answer.

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I’m finally divorced.

It’s a shame there exists a country where until recently, a woman could be held hostage in a marriage against her will. Once married, the laws and the legal system of her country demanded she stay married unless she was beaten, cheated on or abandoned. Her decision to leave a marriage would be questioned by her government in a court of law unless she could prove very obvious, extreme instances of abuse against her. These instances would have to present a pattern, not just a one time occurrence, which she had to support with documentation and proof. By law, she was not allowed to leave a marriage just because she was unhappy, fell out of love, or found her partner intolerable.

In turn, the man not agreeable to releasing the woman from the marriage, could easily manipulate the legal system to essentially hold his wife hostage in the marriage in spite of her pleas to leave.

Where in the world is this country where women are finally free to leave a marriage causing them unhappiness? This country is America. Until the year 2010, New York State still did not have a no fault divorce law, being the last state to keep women in bondage this way. Anyone who filed for divorce before the no fault divorce law passed last year is today, still bound by the old laws, described above. Living in New York State and having a husband who would not grant me a divorce, I stayed married against my will.

We want freedom to marry in this country, but we are still coming out of the stone ages when it comes to personal choices regulated and controlled by our male dominated government. We will not have our freedom until we are free to be free.

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Single. Not just a dirty word.

Radically. –adverb. thoroughly; completely; fundamentally. Yes, I am radically single as in thoroughly, as in no partner, no friends with benefits.Single happiness in the sunset Completely as in complete in myself, Self, courting Self in love. Fundamentally… the ground zero of birth, the fundamental human who in the moment of birth comes into ecstatic physical relationship with world.

Single. –adjective. only one in number; unique; sole; separate; particular; distinct; individual. Yes I am only one in number, ONE, not a couple, not coupled, yet nothing missing, not alone. Unique, as in I only . Sole as in not merged. Separate yet not separated from anything. Particular, as in specifically one. Distinct, as in only one, after that, the rest is plural. Individual, as in the energy, space and time of being one.

Me. –noun ~ Sipping that one, single, perfect ounce of tequila, sitting alone with the sunset, full in the completeness of the universe. ~

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Radically Single

I consider myself radically single. Why is that? I’ve come back to questioning whether it really is necessary to be “coupled.” For my questioning I’ve been labeled bitter, man-hater, scarred. I consider myself to be none of those.

Is it necessary to be coupled? If you want to raise children in this country and don’t fall into the top one percent that makes most of the income,  it’s necessary if you want to have a decent home without bars on Jr.’s bedroom windows, or have regular trips to the grocery store that don’t involve bringing along your calculator to make sure you aren’t humiliated at checkout by having to decide which items will not be making it home to the fridge. Whoops, did that sound bitter?

Is being a couple the default human condition? Even some animals mate for life. Have we learned it? Look at every single Disney Movie and check out the emotional cues that our toddlers are getting about the man and the woman who’s story’s culminate at the dream come true wedding, complete with blissful orchestral accompaniment.  There are some cultures, admittedly not the norm, where men and women do NOT live together as a couple. Is it a childbearing thing? Can we ditch it like a bad habit when we get older?

I don’t know. But I am exploring what it is like to be single, and right now I am in love with it. I’m loving my single bed, my single dinner time, my single bathroom. Right now, for me, the joy of loving myself and discovering who I am without another person in my face…oops, I mean space, is outweighing the occasional longing for companionship, someone to rewind the days events with, and the obvious perk (?) of regular, or at least, dependable sex.

I plan to blog about what I think about, what I do, the questions that come up and anything else relevant to being single by choice. I know I’m not the only one thinking about this,  just look at the book that made it to a movie with you know who that got us all talking about it. That’s what I want to do here, I want to talk about it, share it, and see what happens. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the next book!

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